Tuesday, May 17, 2005


It's a beautiful morning here in Texas! But the weather is supposed to get hot over the next couple of days. Once we get a few 90 degree days, then it's all downhill from there. So I'm enjoying the milder temps right now.

Yesterday when I took the dogs for their walk, I noticed the prickly pear is in bloom. This morning I remembered to take my camera with me. (I know - you're rolling your eyes because it's more flowers)

Sorry, but I have to enjoy the pretty while it's here. A few more weeks and we'll be brown and dry for months!


Saturday, May 14, 2005

So why are you crying?

My eyes have been getting consistently worse over the last couple of years. I have difficulty focusing and I have lots of double vision. Forget reading - I can only do that for ten minutes before my eyes get all buggy. Depth perception? Shot. I was trying to weed my garden and I would reach to pull out a little thing growing in my flower bed and I would reach for it and miss! Frustrating. I have reading glasses, but they don't seem to help much. My other glasses are off my face more than on because they make my near sight worse (they are for far sightedness anyway). So I've pretty much given up driving except very locally on roads I am familiar with. And I've been depressed about it alot lately because I feel like an invalid. The doctor I've been seeing for years can't seem to help me (but he's just an optometrist, not an MD) and he just keeps changing the prism in my lenses to compensate. See, my eyes are off level. Instead of being horizontally level, like _ _ they are like this _ - But it's not really visible, I don't look like a freak or anything, honestly. It's just fractions of a millimeter, but enough to screw up my vision.

So I have been getting depressed because I thought this was all related to the optic neuritis and can't be fixed. After all, if you have a virus in your hard drive, you can't fix it with a new monitor. Does that make sense? But I've been to a specialist finally, and it is NOT related to the MS at all! It's the problem I've had all my life which they were trying to control with prisms, but now that I'm getting old (fuck it), the eye muscles are just worn out from trying to focus with each other all the time. AND IT CAN BE FIXED! And I am going to have surgery on June 15th. It's pretty gross - they have to move the eyes out of the way first (ewwww) and I'll have some discomfort for a few days. Yes, there are minimal risks. But those are worth it, I think. So I cried. Yes. I sobbed. When she said that I didn't have to live with this and I'm not going to go blind unless I'm very unlucky, and I cried like a baby. Then I called Jim, still crying, and told him. And he's the one who said "So why are you crying?" Men! It was a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. I can't explain it. I'm so angry for not seeking answers earlier. I'm scared that it won't work. I don't care, it's worth a shot. And I cried with relief. Does that make sense?

And if it works, and I can see again, and I don't have to change the text on my computer to "huge" and I can actually read the paper and read a book and weed the garden... it will be the best thing that's happened to me in years!!!

Hey, it's almost Sunday. Need to get to bed....... huggs all!

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Add to the list of dumb things I've done lately.....

Happy Mother's Day to all of us mothers!

Got an early start this morning - 8:30 left the house to get groceries. I like to get my shopping done before the 'after church' crowd shows up. That's another reason I'm going to hell - I'm at Saint Fresh fruits and Vegetables on Sunday mornings instead of church. I figure I'll go fill up the gas tank first because gas is finally down to 1.99. Leaving the gas station, I'm driving through the high school campus (it's the easiest way to get to the road I needed). On one of the quiet campus roads, there is a roadrunner stopped in the middle of the road between the band hall and a cow pasture. I have been dying to get a picture of a roadrunner. There is one that I see sometimes on the way out of my neighborhood too (also by a cow pasture.. hmmmm could that be a favorite place for them to nest?? nah, just coincidence I'm sure). I remembered my camera was in my pocketbook, so I stopped the car (no traffic there obviously), but by the time I got the camera out, he had scampered through the fence into the pasture. DAMN!!! I'll catch a pic of one someday, I know I will! They are so cool.

Getting back to my story, I did my shopping, came out to the parking lot, put the groceries in the back of the car and stepped around to the driver's side to get in. The gas flap was open and the fucking gas cup was gone!!! I must have forgotten it after I got gas. Shit! I always put the cap on top of the car and it must have fallen off when I was driving. So I re-traced my route. I thought for sure it must have fallen off when I went over the speed bumps at the high school. But no luck. Nowhere to be found. So Greg went to O'Reillys and bought a new gas cap for me - Happy Mothers Day, Mom....

I swear the doctors got it wrong - I must have Alzheimers instead of MS. Did I ever tell you about the time I went to PetSmart and came out and the car was running, and locked???

So, no picture of a roadrunner for you all today. It's a dark, stormy day here in Texas. I just made a pot of meatballs. Bought some fresh bolillos (rolls, for you non-Texans because they can't name anything normal here), so it's meatball sandwiches and salad for dinner. I know, they should be taking me out to eat. We did that LAST night because I hate holiday crowds. We went to the SaltGrass and had some great steaks.

Tony made my weekend by 'finding' us here. Now he needs to answer my email LOL.

Bye for now!

Monday, May 02, 2005

I think I'm going straight to hell

Gawd how I HATE Mothers Day!! No really... it's a great sentiment, it really is. But I just got back from the card store looking for the perfect cards for mom, mom-in-law, grandmother.. and I feel like a total freak. I mean they are all so flowery and gushy and maudlin. I'm not that kind of person. Really. I'm not! Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. But these cards absolutely ooze sweet sugary sentiments that I would NEVER say. Hell, I'd never even think them! So then you go to the other extreme - which is "Have a nice day" which is too cold and impersonal. I kept picking up cards and tossing them back. And then I feel guilty because as soon as I read the first line about how grateful, how lucky, how wonderful, I just want to gag!!! Gawd, I hate Mother's Day!!!

So yes, I found a card. No, it's not too sweet, but not too impersonal. But it's definitely NOT me. I think that having mom here with me for the past ten years has taken it's toll on any sentimental view that I ever had of my mom. I must be menopausal or something because lately she is driving me nuts!!!

Oh well, the card is bought. We're going out for dinner Sunday. And I think I'm gonna tell my kids that when they grow up and move away, a phone call is all that's necessary to wish me "Happy Mothers Day".

The guilt really SUCKS!!!

Sorry - no pictures or words lately. I'll get back into, I promise.

BTW - where the hell have you been Deb?? Find the password yet? LOL